2119 Aug 7 : 14:12
### TRANSCRIPT ###
VoiceID: Saunders, Matthew H.
EmployID: SA-926-70-1108
Title: Chairman of Finance Committee, Director of R-Squared Multiverse, Inc., Professor
SAUNDERS: Is it on? Is this damn thing working? Hey, Vince, is the light on?
VoiceID: Gonzalez, Vincent M.A.H.
EmployID: G2-832-01-6092
Title: Data Technician
GONZALEZ: Yes sir. Lights on and we are recording.
SAUNDERS: Make sure, please. I don't trust these damn things.
--Silence 2 seconds
GONZALEZ: I verify you are recording, sir. All backups functioning normally. You may proceed sir.
SAUNDERS: Alright, I call this meeting for the Finance Committee to order. We are here today to listen to a proposal to colonize a new world. We all remember Doctor Fortune who has come to us before. Remember also that by Court Order we must not allow the disasterous results of his last colonization effort to affect our decision here today. Also, I am required by R-Squared Multiverse to state that Doctor Fortune is not really a doctor of anything; he had his name legally changed fourteen years ago. Doctor Fortune, you have the floor.
VoiceID: Fortune, Doctor
EmployID: n/a
Title: Interplanetary Playboy, Best Selling Author, Pimp
FORTUNE: Thank you Professor Saunders. Ladies and gentlemen of the committee, honored personages, visiting dignitaries, off-world visitors and you green sucker-faced monsters. Before you this afternoon I shall present an investment opportunity that will repay itself in more than 68 years! A planet so perfect, an opportunity so fantastic...
Ladies, gentlemen and intersexuals, I present to you - the Datran star system...
--Audio: Play "The Accordions of Zool" FileID: 2119080734567892-1
--Holo: Play "Datran - Star of Fortune" FileID: 2119080734567892-2
FORTUNE: See the worlds spin gently around their star, almost exactly like our Sun. It is exactly the same in luminosity, temperature and color but it is 6.1% larger. The star system Datran is home to eight planets. Four outer gas giants provide ample opportunity for He3 mining. Current spectroscopy certifies that He3 concentration is at 62% in Datran VI! Mining can commence immediately without need for expensive concentrators! That alone makes Datran a guaranteed profit center.Now, allow me to show you Datran V. Analysis from scout probes, which I personally financed, indicates that there are a wealth of minerals for mining not only on the surface, but throughout the neighboring asteroid belt. I have a committment from StarCore Mining that states if you finance this colonization effort, they will undertake the total cost of the mining operation in exchange for a 25% stake in the profits.
VoiceID: Gelsomino, Agostino
EmployID: G1-214-02-7210
Title: Legal Counsel
GELSOMINO: Have you included this contract in your proposal documents?
FORTUNE: Yes sir! Please refer to "StarCore Agreement"
--Doc: "StarCore Agreement" FileID: 2119080734567892-3
GELSOMINO: Have you signed this agreement?
FORTUNE: Your approval of the contract is required.
GELSOMINO: Continue.
FORTUNE: Ladies, gentlemen and other, I now call your attention to the crown jewel that makes this entire undertaking possible. I present to you, Datran IV.
--Audio: Play "Pimpin' 'Hos on Satellite 9" FileID: 2119080734567892-4
FORTUNE: Datran IV! A world identical to our earth. Same atmosphere, within 1% the same size and exactly the right distance from their star. There is an existing biosphere with amply life. We have multiple probes in orbit that have been relaying back data for sixteen months. The most dangerous animal on the planet looks like a cross between a leopard and an iguana but weighing 2.5 tons. Fortunately, they have no armor against blasters. Priority Item 9,357 calls for needed equipment to extinct these beasts.
--Doc: "Colony Priority Expenses" FileID: 2119080734567892-5
SAUNDERS: Why does this rank so high on your financial priorities? Usually planned extinctions don't come in until much lower on the list.
VoiceID: Ming, Susan
EmployID: MI-193-44-9345
Title: Sensitivity Officer, Doctor of Xenobiology
MING: If I might, Mr. Chairman? I agree with Mr. Fortune. These things are terrifying. They should be eradicated but it should be done humanely. Mr. Fortune, can I have your assurances that these beasts will be put down humanely?
FORTUNE: Yes Doctor Ming. We'll shoot them from 'copters with high-powered blaster rifles.
MING: Well, I'm perfectly alright with that.
SAUNDERS: Please continue Doctor Fortune.
FORTUNE: Thank you Mr. Chairman. Datran IV is a lush garden paradise. No ape-like mammals have evolved. There are no signs of intelligence on land nor sea. Animal life has not evolved past that leopard-iguana. Furthermore, our environmental sensors have detected no unknown viruses or germs. Which, permit me to add, further advances my theory that the common cold exists on all habitable planets.
Datran IV is lush with life. To date we have discovered sixty new species of edible plants and vegetables. On the largest continent there is an enormous glacial plain slowly formed by receeding glaciers 2,000 years ago. The potential as farmland is unbelieveable. We estimate mature production will exceed 100 billion tons per year! A veritable Garden of Eden for all to enjoy.
Now, please allow me to address the elephant in the room. Terrible mistakes were made on Pimpin' III...
GELSOMINO: Stop right there! We are legally required not to think about that!
FORTUNE: Nevertheless! Mr Chairman, hear me out!
SAUNDERS: I'll allow it. Carry on.
FORTUNE: Colonizing a new world is an enormous task. No one person is fully responsible. That being said, who could have known that our weather control satellites would cause the entire planet to vanish under a massive hurricane? My lawsuit against the satellite manufacturer is still pending. In memory of all who died on that ill-fated planet, I ask for a second chance.
SAUNDERS: Talk to us about Specialist Personnel. You've made some non-standard requests.
FORTUNE: Because of the extensive nature of this expedition, we will require multiple specialists for the stage 1 seed colony. The Security Specialist should be trained in all standard issue military weaponry and will be responsible for building the colonial militia and executing the planned extinction.
The Engineering Specialist will ensure the orderly functioning of all equipment on the planet for the stage 1 seed colony. This includes repair of farm equipment, light transportation systems, sewage systems, power generation and all other colonial infrastructure.
We will need a Pilot for our planet-hopper vehicle to shuttle personnel to and from orbit as needed for satellite repairs. During off time, this individual will also be tasked with scouting the immediate solar system for future stages of the colonial and industrial efforts. He can also chart hazards and deploy navigation satellites as usual. If he lives long enough, he can eventually shuttle personnel from the mining facilities for R&R on Datran IV.
SAUNDERS: Who do you have in mind for Colonial Governor?
FORTUNE: I am happy to announce I have secured the services of none other than, the interstellar holo actor - Zoobie!
MING: Zoobie? What's a zoobie?
SAUNDERS: Are you joking? Everyone knows Zoobie! Remember, from "Kid Space Ranger!"
MING: Sorry sir. I guess that's before my time.
SAUNDERS: Blaspheme! Fortune, can I actually meet Zoobie?
FORTUNE: I'm sure that if you see fit to fund this colony, something can be arranged.
SAUNDERS: Well, in that case: I hereby approve funding for the colonization of the Datran star system. Is Zoobie here?
FORTUNE: No sir, but I'll call him and see if he can join us for drinks now.
SAUNDERS: I can't believe it! I'm going drinking with Zoobie!
### END TRANSCRIPT ###
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